I’ve only attended five funerals in my life, and it’s five too many.

( The most difficult was my grandfather. )

After working for a bank for three years, I'm back to working on my accounting degree. I mean, I'm definitely glad to be in school full-time again instead of part-time, but now I'm having serious doubts about my career choice. I worked as a financial analyst and I definitely enjoyed some parts of the job, but seriously, tight deadlines and extensive overtime for the rest of my life is less than appealing.

I feel like I definitely went the "practical" route instead of pursuing something I really enjoyed.

I feel like I sold out.

Augh, I can already tell Starbucks might not work out. I’m not sure I’m barista material to be honest. Also, I really don’t care that you want your drink 180 degrees. Just call extra hot and lay off the pretentious b.s. Please.

I guess my biggest thing about working in a retail or hospitality is all the smiling, and mf how-are-you’s. Being personable eight hours a day is draining. I’m serious. Don't get me wrong, yes, a job's a job. I’m even surprisingly alright at customer service: I recognize regulars, I make them feel welcome, I can anticipate and avoid upset customers. But sadly, the hard cold truth is I’m just not a people person by choice. I’ll take a desk, dry humour and blunt honesty any day. I miss you office environment. I miss you.

I’m back at LJ again, too used to it, I guess. Also I sort have been ignoring learn_japanese since I moved to Blogger. ;P

New school term, full-time student again, I’m both dreading and looking forward to it. Dreading because I’ve been working for three years, what if I’ve forgotten how to be a full-time student? Argh, and I’m definitely going to be feeling old.

Anyways, cheers to a brand new start ;)

I gave Mechan my resume Wednesday and I got a call back Thursday! My interview is going to be on Tuesday, I'm so happy! At first 16-24 hours was very ominous, OSAP is pretty strict about part-time jobs, but I figure if they do reduce my loan, the steady income from Starbucks would balance it all out.

I'm pretty excited for the interview, it's been such a long time since I've interviewed for anything other than a banking job. It'd be refreshing to see what the Starbucks interview is like. He also told me to dress in "khakis and a black shirt", I said in confusion, "yes, I'll wear something appropriate for the interview" but it turns out he'd like me on cash if the interview goes well.

For a shitty economy, Starbucks seems willing to hire, I guess it's just retail that was hard hit.

Crossed fingers.

Like I don't have enough chaos in my life, I checked my accounts at Scotia this morning only to realize I was being billed by a scam company, and it was the third charge yet. "Pure Lift" for the record. If anyone is googling this, do not attempt any "free products". My friend had seen it off a facebook ad, we both signed up, we both got screwed.

Anyhow, my list of doom:

- Resolve credit card fraud, call Visa, fax bills and documentation for proof.
- Go to OSAP to determine reason for serious delay of loan approval, 8am to avoid line up.
- Print out more resumes yet again, and give them out to at least twenty more restaurants/stores.
- Fill out application with Janice for Starbucks, meet Mechan Wednesday.
- Start practice quizzes and tests regularly to prepare for CSC exams.
- Talk to Nicole, figure things out.
- Look for a pimp (jooooking).

This will be a long post, writing always helps put my thoughts into perspective.

A while back I met up with a girl randomly, we'll call her A. It wasn't meant to be a date, but turned into one throughout the night. We met around 5:30, I took her to my favourite place to read and just lime with a coffee and good conversation. I can say without a doubt that it was probably one of the best dates I had ever had. I haven't ever connected that well with a person, or talked about so many things in a span of seven hours, or revealed so much about myself and wasn't afraid of the retribution of being that honest. It was a first date and I was so comfortable with myself, I didn't try hard to be someone I wasn't.

( rambling, putting shit in perspective )

So this summer I got to know a few people pretty well. They all are great people, fun to lime with, but trust and such has been lately hard to fathom.

The drama that unfolded was pathetic to the extreme. I have so many other problems I need to worry about: my investment certificate, resolving shit with an ex, bills, tuition and finding a job. Basically this shitstorm was so low on my fucken radar I hadn't even bothered to think about it during the week. Then another friend decided to get involved, wanted to know what was up. Nothing's up, but now that you asked that I know something is up. Great, another inane drama I have to deal with.

I'll shorten it as best as I can. One of my friends suddenly got guilty about texting a girl I had been previously seeing (she started texting her same day, haha yep), and I was notably confused. What do you have to be guilty for? Umm, I just felt guilty. It's not until later I find out she truly thinks she's having an illicit love affair with a girl I had two dates with. Like seriously, it's so god damned pathetic, I wonder why I even bothered trying to resolve it.

So why did I feel the need to blog about this? Basically yesterday I got an amusing outlook on the whole situation. This whole issue was actually pure adolescence, the high school drama. The same girl texts me yesterday, very casually mentioning that she noticed I use msn again. Um yeah? No seriously, one text to "confront" my msn philandering ways. Then she insists I blocked and/or deleted her. Sorry, wow, I'm still laughing in bewilderment as I write this. I don't think I have heard someone complain about alleged msn blocking since highschool.

Unfortunately I didn't have an appropriate response to these girls about the msn incident...highschool was seven years ago, I'm a bit rusty. All I can do is be the friend I know I am, and see whether this whole fiasco reveals more about our friendship than I probably realized. I can take whatever life decides to throw me next.

What gloomy summer weather, mate. Rain, chilly lows, and an extra gloomy perspective on life.

Getting back into the dating scene wasn't smooth. In March, I met someone who wanted the same things I did in life. She was funny, endured my work inflicted mental breakdowns, and we inevitably ended when she met someone else, then didn't want that someone else. However it was too late, my pride was crushed, my trust obliterated and you know what, I'm working long hours, I don't really have time, and oh yeah, you cheated on me, and then that was it.

After that, I tried casual dating. Tried really hard to accept blurred lines and ignored the urge for clearly defined ones. What a mess that was. It's worse feeling betrayed and realizing you probably don't even have the right to feel betrayed. Not knowing where you stand with someone is too confusing. I didn't walk away unscathed from that one. And what do you do after all, with feelings for a person who's not looking for that at all.

I guess I didn't realize the whole time I was looking for a relationship.

Sometimes the girl is special, and we can withstand whatever and remain friends. I'm grateful for small mercies. However, the consequence of sporadic, rapid dating is the fallback of, "well shit, clearly something is wrong with me" when the flings start and end, and if they end prematurely, they leave me wondering what I did wrong. Always. And if it's another woman, well, I guess I'm no longer surprised.

So when I meet someone who is attractive, great conversation and funny, it's cold irony that I'm careful about testing those waters. Careful to see where it could go lest I mess up what could be a perfectly excellent friendship. I try address all of my insecurities (she's tall), I analyze every detail (do you think..?), and in the end still do nothing at all. I feel the attraction, but I just don't like her like that.

I think it's probably best I just lay off the dating scene for a while.

CSC is killing my brain. I feel like making a study schedule purely for July and August and just enjoying June. This investment certificate pretty much expires in September, and I need to do the exams before then. Oh pressure.

I've been studying with a friend in the library a few days a week, but it's extremely difficult getting into school mode. It might turn out to be for the best that I have these exams. At least by September I'll be ready for thick textbooks and dry material lol.

So I'm going on a date with someone new on Friday and I'm nervous as fuck. I've been putting off the date for a month now, just chatting on dl and texting. So I decided I had enough time being a pussy and worked up some courage. Then nervousness had no fucking bounds, so I did the worst possible thing. I looked into her. As soon as I knew we had a mutual friend, I wanted the goods, the down and dirty. I didn't get much, but I did get a drink of disappointment. She's probably gay. Only probably. Bicurious.

This makes me even more nervous. Is it even a date? Did I read her wrong? Am I fucking it up already? haha, what a mess. My self esteem is at rock bottom yo. What if we meet, she's amazing, funny, smart, everything I want and I'm a the top of the slippery slope called "I Fell For a Straight Girl".

Argh.

It's funny, but I never realized I wasn't a morning person until I moved in with my sister. Living with Marieke was different in the mornings because I woke up so early to go to work during the week, and on weekends she had early training, so I had plenty of time to caffeinate and untwist my panties enough to resemble a normal human being.

Makes mornings sort of awkward. When one of my exes slept over, the next morning she told plainly me I was like a wall when I woke up. An uncommunicative wall that grumbled and glared until I had coffee, a shower and two hours to fully welcome outside stimulus. haha, well I never really took it to heart until now. My bad. I can't really help that I'm irritable in the mornings, seriously. Coffee is sadly essential, my fucking ambrosia, sublime at ungodly hours.

Maybe I need to start hitting the gym in the mornings instead and rectify this asap.

Ugh, after delaying gym time for another day, I feel like an enormous bum. I was incredibly busy my first week of not working: packing, moving, painting, unpacking, the BIG MOVE, but now all I've been is unproductive. After the move, I decided a "vacation" week was in order (lots of herb was involved) but getting sick was unscheduled and I've fallen to the "lazy bum" syndrome. Argh!

I will go the gym tomorrow. There's some positive thinking for ya.

Hopefully I actually follow through.

So I am now (ignorantly) blissfully unemployed. After three years of working at Scotiabank, then Scotia Capital, I bit the bullet and decided to go to school fulltime. I'm getting up in them years, juggling the two was difficult. It wasn't as if I was juggling a part-time job at the mall and school, it was definitely mental overload.

So anyway, I decided to revive my blog and continue to blog more actively. Photo a post might not work so well, but I'll try my best.

It's really scary being unemployed, watching the monies, budgeting for a new apartment, but it's been good so far. I sadly contracted the flu (but no swine were involved), then an allergic reaction and then I stupidly and badly sunburnt myself. So yeah, I was out of commission for a couple weeks, but I am back. I am taking advantage of three months of unemployment like you cannot believe.

CheckLISTS are involved!

So the weather was brutal today. Not only was it cold, it was pouring, and I mean “soak your button up shirt through” pouring. It didn’t help matters that my day started out pretty well and then withered to fuck all. I was early to work, grabbed my overpriced coffee, walked back lazily and kind of enjoyed the hint of fall weather; an overall comfortable start to my day. The return to my desk and the unlocking of my drawers pretty much did it for me.

( Paper…everywhere. )

So I was compelled to come out of my mini hiatus to blog about birthdays and my general lack of interest in them. This was spurred by the ocurrence of my birthday and Thursday Next's bitterly voiced abhorrence of birthdays in Jasper Fforde's new novel of the series. However, especially since my low key tradition of a blunt and friends has remained steadfast so far.

At fifteen years old it was either basically honesty or just apathy that developed. I just got tired about having to remember it was my birthday, feigning joy over trinkets that I didn't need, and having to celebrate something I didn't particularly think needed celebrating. Also, day of, I just plain forget it's my birthday which is a) a little embarassing and b) a little dismal.

Although I'm such a downer on my birthday, with gift receiving things are obviously complicated. To quote Fforde:

"Sweetheart," I said, "really annoyed and really pleased all at the same time, "I don't do birthdays."

Anyhow, that's it basically; the void that is my date of birth.

For consistency, the photo for this post is not birthday related, but a super gloomy day down where I used to live: Queen's Quay <3

So my whole 'get fit, get healthy' idea sort of fizzled towards the end when I realized giving up coffee was definitely not happening. I did reduce to one grande coffee from Starbucks a day from my previous four a morning and one in the afternoon, so I think I've made some progress.

I started my hardcore bootcamp-esque training Friday, which left me aching with a bruised ego. It's now one hundred percent clear that I'm not as fit as I thought I was. For sure, I definitely feel more energetic and I'm eating better to compensate the exercise, but I have a feeling the lack of dinner will still continue due to my downright laziness that ensues once it's seven o'clock in the afternoon.

One of my friends came back from Japan today and I have to say, my jealousy knows no bounds. I miss the feeling, the food, the people, and just being in a completely foreign country. If I weren't contemplating Europe for next year, definitely Asia would be my destination.

Authentic Korean bbq, yum ;)

Okay, wha de jail, three different shows' season finales and three main characters are killed off.

Was the writer's strike that brutal? Kidding.. kidding.

Dean's death was inevitable and since (to quote Lindsay) the show is called 'Supernatural' his revival is possible, but gawd, Warrick.. WARRICK. I only watch CSI for Warrick and Grissom. I guess eight seasons running means it's time for a change for an actor, but Warrick leaving/dying is tragic to me :*( And cut-throat bitch! I sobbed into my hanky during her entire drawn out death.

If I have to watch an entire fourth season of JUST Sam Winchester I think I might be frothing at the mouth two episodes in. It's not that I hate his character, I love both of them equally (I swear), but I think the show would definitely lose its dynamic if it was just about one character. The exception was the one episode where Dean was killed off several times in comedic ways and then in the final death we glimpse Sam living alone, but definitely I will not be able to endure an entire season of lonesome Sam and his painful angst. Oh agony.

I can't believe cut-throat bitch was killed off. The female proxy for House was hawt and playing them off each other over 'shared custody' of Wilson was sheer comedy. SHEER COMEDY. And I believe I mentioned she was hawt (although not as hawt as Thirteen).

I don't know what's happening in the writing world, but it is seemingly out of pure desperation that they are killing characters left and right. What happened to other plot devices to have actors leave the show. Oh noes!death should be a last resort, gawd.

I'm going to now catch up on my long abandoned love 'The Office' and make the world a better place again.

When I decided to stop feeding my caffeine addiction, I didn't really know what to expect. Admittedly I've been drinking coffee since I was ten and studying for CE, so my addiction probably runs deep. Last time I tried quitting, I had headaches all the time, was tired and that just upped my crank-metre so my avoidance of coffee lasted a mere day.

Plus I love coffee with every fibre of my being.

I think today was probably the defining factor for me on what giving up caffeine actually means. Withdrawal symptoms were arising; by nine I had a migraine and was feeling irritable, by eleven I got inexplicably angry at everyone in a foot radius and two victims later, I was feeling fine again.

Homicidal tendencies were definitely not on my list of withdrawal symptoms.

Confused, I googled "caffeine addiction" and found this cartoon. I think panel three describes my morning fairly well. Click it to view a larger photo.

Ironically I found another slightly disturbing addiction to stave off my headaches and caffeine cravings.

Coma inducing, sugary concoction: the Slushy.

How could you, Erin Cox!

TTC strike, yikes. I stood for half an hour at the stop until a nice old man tried to inform me of the strike. He crossed the road to try drive his information home.

"No sto-leek-car, no sto-leek-car. sto-laiku, sto-laiku." He also made big X's in the air with his hands to emphasize his point.

I mean fuck. I was going to be late for work. A smarmy cab driver pulls up next to me.

"There's a strike, would you like a ride?"

'For free?' I thought uselessly.

He smiles a self-satisfied smile. He knows he has my money, he can see the desperation in my eyes. Cab drivers in Toronto were making a killing today, and they knew it. Nine dollars poorer, I walk into work and hope to gawd I can at least get a coffee.

Starbucks is dark, gloomy and coffee-less and my happy world tragically ends.

Pimped out bicycle spotted on Queens Quay, I took a hasty photo ;P